Walking My Own Walk

Friday, May 09, 2008

Forever In My Heart

I just received some very sad news; a very dear friend and wonderful person passed on this morning. Her name was Elsa Burgess-Flores and in my eyes she was amazing. Elsa and I met in the early 90s when I was just starting out in AIDS education. She was a true maverick in the field, not because she lost two sons to AIDS , but because she became a major advocate of AIDS education, as well as the rights of all gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transsexuals despite and in spite of the community she lived in. Never ever did she allow the personal threats, rumors, gossip, and even vandalism stop her from educating others or sharing her compassion openly. She was committed to fighting HIV/AIDS and she was committed to fighting discrimination. And now her committed fight to cancer has come to an end.

Her passing leaves quite a hole in the heart of many so as a tribute to her and to her life, I wish to share the following...

Dear Mamacita,

It is with such mixed emotions that I write this; a heaviness of heart, sadness, and yet relief in knowing that you are in a better place, with your sons, with Charley, and out of pain. Words cannot begin to describe how grateful I am to you and for you. You have always been and will continue to be a bright light that not only touched my life, but touched so many others'. I am so proud of you and so proud of all that you accomplished. You were and will forever be an inspiration to us all. Please know that you have indeed made this world a much better place.

Thank you for you, for being a part of my life. For loving me as if I was your own. Thank you for sharing your spirit, your love, your tenaciousness, and even your stubbornness with me.( As I always said, you were one tough, ballsy woman and I loved you for it!) I will cherish our visits and our talks ALWAYS. I am just so very sorry that I was not able to visit you one last time, but please know that you have and will always have a special place in my heart.

I will miss you greatly, Mamacita.

I love you very much...

Tú Hijita

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Finding A Cure

READER ADVISORY: The following content contains raw, unedited feelings and thoughts. Reader discretion is advised.

Ever since I was about eight years of age I can recall being EXTREMELY afraid of losing the things that were most important to me or fearing that something bad was going to happen to the people and things that were most important. And ever since that young age I have been battling that fear. Fighting it like hell, refusing to let it win or become reality.

I would try and erase the fearful thoughts, I would scream “NO!” at them, I would even try to replace them with more positive thoughts. All my efforts were just temporary ways of seeking refuge from them. No matter what I tried, no matter what I did they persisted. As I grew older and continued working on me, they became manageable, but they were still there.

My fight against them was like trying to cure a disease without knowing what was causing the disease.

Fast forward to most recent weeks; I have been really tired and when I am really tired my fears rage with full force. So one night before hitting the bed, I threw out the following question, “Why are these fears present in my life and what's at the root of them.”

The next day, was a bit tough; I was not firing on all cylinders and I was bumping up against some challenges. However, on that one day I felt as if I had a heightened awareness of my own actions and behaviors. I was aware that I was doing things that were self-sabotaging (i.e. eating foods that would thwart my weight loss efforts), I was aware of the fears, and I was aware of how small I felt. It was almost as if I was trying to make those fears a reality so that I could prove them right, and be done with it. It was in that very moment that I stopped and said, “I am done! I am tired of fighting you. Do whatever you have to do because I have nothing left to fight you with.”

And it was in that moment that I stopped fighting and that I got the answer to the question I asked the night before, “Why are these fears present in my life and what's at the root of them?”

From the time I was eight and throughout my teenage years I got the message that I was not deserving of good things. I did not deserve to be loved, I did not deserve to have nice things, I did not deserve to succeed...I deserved nothing.

It all makes sense to me now; there is a little girl still hidden inside of this grown woman who just needs to know she is OK, that is deserving of good, but most importantly that she deserves to be here.

I am happy to report that after 33 years of fighting the fears, they have lessened dramatically. That's not to say that they don't still appear in their lessened state. They do and when they do I say, (as if I were trying to soothe an eight year old child after a nightmare), “It's OK. It's all OK. You do deserve to be here and you do deserve good things.” It's a work in progress, one day at a time, no more fighting like hell and that is a good thing. As my own coach so wonderfully reminded me, our own internal self-saboteur only lives when we fight it. (Thank you, Amy!)

If this post brings up similar thoughts and feelings for you, please reach out. I am here and wanting to support you in finding a cure.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Testing...1.2.3...Testing

Here is some food for thought...

The Universe is great at testing our growth before another growth spurt takes place. Why?

Two simple reasons; 1)to ensure that we are ready for the next growth spurt and 2)to make darned sure that we have mastered all that we needed to during that last growth spurt.

Ahhh, the joys of growing pains.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Just Me...And That's Good Enough

When I was in high school I got lost. I did not get lost in the car traveling some unknown road. I did not get lost in the mall, nor did I get lost in a daydream. I got lost when it came to being me. I was ALWAYS trying to be someone else, someone, anyone, aside from me. I felt that if I was someone other than me, I would fit in, I would be part of the popular crowd. The sad fact of the matter was I never felt that me, the real me was good enough and in focusing my attention on what others thought, I got lost.

I am 41 years of age and I have come to realize something very important, me is good enough. I should never have to be someone I am not in order to fit in, to be accepted, or to be loved. You see, I forgot that most recently. I forgot that being me, the best, most loving, kind person I can be is IMPORTANT. I forgot that I should never have to compromise who I am, and in turn my own integrity by showing up as anything other than me.

I am me, warts and all. I am me, huge heart, warm smile, and lots of love, compassion, and passion to share. I am glad I have been reminded that if that's not good enough for another that's OK, but it is good enough for me. Here's to all of us embracing our true wonderful selves and remembering that is MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH!

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Oh, To Be A Loose End

Lately I have been feeling like a loose end; not very connected or grounded. With that feeling comes noise, a feeling of unsettledness, and even a bit of fear. What's worse, I lose that deep connection to my intuitive side; a side that I have come to embrace and truly love. I have been in this space before and it does not scare me, but it does frustrate the hell out me. I don't like it, but I am learning to go with it and look for the good. (For example, during these times I am even more appreciative of the times when I am most grounded and peaceful.)

So this week over on Make the Most of U I asked the following “Go Big Or Go Home Question”; Who or what do I need to be to create a peaceful and grounded life? What am I willing to do to achieve peace and become more grounded and peaceful?

My answer...

I need to be a patient person. (This is a tough one for me, as patience has NEVER been my strongest suit.)
I need to be loving and compassionate, not just to others, but to myself.
I need to be aware and present so that I can catch any fear-based actions or words.
I need to be grateful.
I need to be accepting of me and be real/authentic.

I am willing to get back to mediating again at least three times a week.
I am willing to journal every night before bed.
I am willing to practice a gratitude exercise anytime fear sets in.
I am willing to take deep breathes, especially when I notice feelings of unsettledness.
I am willing to avoid getting involved in drama of any kind.
I am willing not to be judgmental of myself or others.
I am willing to avoid gossip.

Clarity is a beautiful thing. So...Who or what do you need to be to create a peaceful and grounded life? What are you willing to do to achieve peace and become more grounded and peaceful?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

A Day in the Life…

…of? Nah, don’t think so. OK, so I am struggling to capture a title for this blog post, just like I have struggled the last two weeks over what to write. (Hence my absence.)

On a positive note, the past two weeks have been rather busy and very humbling in many respects. I just finished teaching my first round of some Core Essentials Program courses at Coach U and have to say….I HAD A BLAST!! The students were awesome and the evaluations were tear-jerking. (That is what I meant when I said “humbling”.) Never did I anticipate the response received, (to be honest) and I am so grateful to all the students. It was their contributions and their energy that made the classes so amazing. So why am I humbled?

Well, because I still find it easier to give a compliment than to receive one. It’s not that I don’t like receiving compliments, I do. It’s just not always easy for me, and I admit that. My initial response (in my head) is “I’m just a woman who is doing what she loves. I am no different to anyone else. I put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else” (Besides, I’ve tried to put my pants on both legs at a time and I fell over -- not advised.)

What I came to realize this week, as I was writing “thank you” emails in response, a compliment is a gift. To receive it with anything less than gratitude and appreciation is tantamount to smacking the gift giver upside the head and throwing their gift back at them.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

More Uber Cool Notes to Self

In the spirit of what seems to be my theme for the week, vulnerability, I share the following notes to self:

1) Being vulnerable as hell may be scary but it’s also character and strength building. Not to mention, you get to know a little more about YOU! Awesome, huh?
2) Getting out of my own way and letting the real me shine through allows me to come from my heart and not my head.
3) If you don’t put yourself out there and go after what you really want, you don’t get what you really want.
4) Learning does take being a bit vulnerable and that is NOT a bad thing.
5) I get to choose my moments of vulnerability – how cool is that?

P.S. As shared on Make the Most of U… In the spirit of being vulnerable I am asking for your help. It is my goal in the next two weeks to gain 100 subscribers to the Weekly Messages of YOUR Heart so together we can tune into our own hearts and really make a huge difference. If you or someone you know wants to dig a bit deeper, have a bit more fun each week, and learn something really cool about you, please consider subscribing. It is of no cost to you other than some time. Please help me to make my goal, and in turn help make this world a more loving and fun place for all. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

16 Things

Most recently I was tagged by a dear friend (and adopted little brother), Phil in this fun little “get to know more” exercise. So I gladly accept the tag…here goes nothin’…

Four Jobs I Have Had: (prior to coaching, of course)
1) Online Community Developer
2) Enrichment Program Kindergarten Teacher
3) AIDS Educator/ Executive Director of AIDS Prevention Organization for Youth
4) Financial Service Representative

Four Places I've Been:
1) Most recently.. Portland
2) England
3) France
4) Germany

Four Music Artists I Am Listening To Right Now:
1) Fergie
2) Rachael Yamagata
3) G. Love and Special Sauce
4) Seal

Four Favorite Foods:
1) Sushi
2) Veggie Lasagna
3) Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup (for those days when comfort food is in order)
4) Shrimp

Now for the fun part…tag, you all are it!!

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Cover Me, I’m Going In

(SIDE NOTE: I wish to apologize for my absence. It started with a wonderfully relaxing vacation to visit some friends. (Thank you, Cassi and Jeff! ) Followed by a nasty cold upon my return; note to self: always drink Airborne before boarding a plane.)

My morning ritual during the weekdays is usually pretty consistent; roll out of bed, start my computer, let the dog out, make coffee, start e-mail program, grab coffee, let the dog in, and settle into my office chair. Before I dive into work or personal-related e-mails I always go directly to my “Notes from the Universe” e-mail folder.

It was a Thursday morning and with coffee in hand I read the following trinket :

Ever notice, Pam, that in the long run, those who don't eventually go "within," often go "without."

You got the power,
The Universe (www.tut.com)

I gotta tell ya, I truly look forward to my daily notes from the Universe courtesy of Tut.com. These little gems either make me really think or they make me laugh hysterically. This one was no exception. My take-away…

The more I learn, the more I coach, the more I read, the more I teach, the more I have come to know that if I want to walk my own walk, as well as manifest the good stuff I have to go within. Deep into the core of me, where all the good and not so good stuff resides. This means that I have to be willing to shift and grow from the inside out. Think about it…

I could dress up my outsides with great clothes or even plastic surgery, but let’s face it, if the inside ain’t pretty, the outside’s attractiveness will fade.

I could make boat loads of money, drive the greatest car, live in the coolest house, but if my insides aren’t happy, a big bank balance isn’t go to make me happy either.

The Universe (or Tut.com) is right, I do have the power…we all do. I have the power to choose, to change, to grow, and to go within rather than without. I choose to go within, I choose to continue to remove the stuff that does not serve me (i.e. fear of not being good enough) so that I continue to bring in and bring forth the good stuff. Won’t you join me?

Together let’s dig deep to unearth and finely tune the good stuff that is just waiting to CONSISTENTLY see the light of day. But first, let’s remove the stuff that stands in the way and does not positively serve. With that, let me ask you, what’s something you wish to eradicate from your inner core that is no longer serving you?

We have the power!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Even More Notes to Self

1) To love does not require a certain protocol (Meaning there is no wrong or right way to love). To love requires an open heart and an open mind.
2) Never take for granted the time you have in this very moment. (Translation: Be present and grateful for the here and the now.)
3) Not everyone shares the same perspective and that is a good thing. Different perspectives enable new learning opportunities.
4) Releasing the outcome also releases the stress.

Don’t you just love life and all the amazing things it puts in front of you?